Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
when mom throws a party…
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings