To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
You Might Also Like
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.