Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.