Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”