[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.