I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
This will never not be funny 😭
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?