My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”