told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
12653.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
#MeanwhileinCanada
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.