[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Cheer up.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]