When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.