I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
saw this in a dream
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)