Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
🤯🤯🤯
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty