man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.