Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
You Might Also Like
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
🤔😂😂
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
⛄️
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.