Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks