inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*