[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
This kid is a star!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge