One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area