My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
You Might Also Like
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
San Francisco has too many rules
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Not even remotely sorry.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!