My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
2 years later
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild