asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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absolute chaos
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Follow me for more life hacks.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”