[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.