“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I think this should do it.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.