Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
normalize having existential bread
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.