I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
screw you
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Home is where your toilet is.