Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*