You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off