When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Just me and my debit card against the world
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.