Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Happens to everyone.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?