I get distracted pretty eas
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?