Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
english majors be like furthermore
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.