Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Mood.. 😂
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.