[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My wife gives the best headache.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.