Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.