Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.