Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.