#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Spider-cat: No One Home
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.