Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
We need to put an American base on the sun
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”