friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools