Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks