triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Generation gap…
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……