everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭