There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!