Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
real
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
life finds a way
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone