Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Happy Taco Tuesday
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.