This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Welcome
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
#parenting
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside