There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
shampoo implies shampee
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice