I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The Punning Dead.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug