[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that鈥檚 any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I鈥檓 going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Pandas 馃惣馃枻
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me at 23: I can鈥檛 believe someone called the cops on us, it鈥檚 only 1am!!
Me at 43: It鈥檚 10 o鈥檆lock and they鈥檙e still making noise. Call the cops.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I鈥檓 stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”