Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok